I felt a funeral in my brain, by Emily Dickinson.
“I felt a funeral, in my brain,
and mourners to and fro,
kept treading – treading – till it seemed
that sense was breaking through –
and then a plank in reason broke,
and I dropped down, and down –
and hit a world, at every plunge,
and finished knowing – then.”
Depression is difficult to talk about. Art gives form to what is usually unconscious. Making it conscious, and freeing us from the grip of the unconscious. I find the above poem beautiful. Depression feels like a death in your brain, but your body is still alive. Some would say depression is the natural state when you see reality the way it is. There are good arguments for nihilism, and it's no wonder why so many of us fall into, or actively pursue, a negative worldview. However, I would like here to fight for the good. For the conscious. For the human. Yes, there is hopelessness, but there is also hope. And we are all running a race for our lives. Let us run it in such a way to win the prize. We all miss the mark. Like archers practicing hitting a target. If you miss enough, you may give up. Here I'm pleading, don't give up. Always do the “next best thing” and keep shooting for your north star. There is a way out. It may take time. It may take blood. It may take more sweat and tears than you have to give, but it's worth it. That's what we're all searching for... Something to make the stupid suffering of our lives worth while.
What is depression to me?
It's a processes of thinking, feeling, and acting, that lacks interest in things once enjoyed, negative thoughts and feelings about one's self, and a decrease in functioning at work and at home. When you're depressed, getting out of bed is very difficult. Making food seems like the hardest thing. And exercise is just draining. Depression is like a black hole. It's like a train gone off the tracks. It's a shadow that follows you everywhere you go. It's also a pair of glasses that twists everything into a negative. The automatic thoughts that appear to you all seem hopeless. For example, you may see someone you love, and dread talking to them, because you hate what you will say. Then you'll criticism what you said and come up with better things you should have said. That little interaction will prove to you that you are a failure as a human being and that it would be better to not exist. Depression is also physically painful. When the pressure of anxiety weighs down on you, you feel heavier. You move slower. You think slower. “I did this wrong. I did that wrong.”, you think.
Why do we get depressed?
We lose something. We fail at something. Say, you have a series of losses. You may feel like giving up. Imagine having an intimate relationship break down. It throws your life into chaos. You try to figure out why it didn't work. If someone leaves you, you're set with the task of finding out what was wrong with you that they didn't accept. That's depressing and it effects your self esteem. Imagine having a child die of cancer. What a harsh world it is. What's the point?
Depression is when things fall apart. Your routine breaks down. You get up at different times and wake up at different times. You stop showering as often. You start eating what tastes good, going for junk food, too tired to make something from scratch. Exercise only takes place rarely, and when you can muster up the strength, you leave exhausted and think about how much better you could have done it if you were in a better state. You socialize less, losing connection with people. As a consequence, your world becomes internalized. Little correction is given by people around you, and you can't modify your thoughts based on what's healthy. You lose a positive fighting perspective.
My depression:
Depression runs in my family. My dad has it. My grandparents have it. I've wondered why. It's not just being sad. It's not grief, because it lasts long after the loss, and impacts self esteem. Depression is a pattern of thoughts, feelings, and behavior. It's psycho-physical. Medication seemed to help me get above the clouds. It changed my thoughts and feelings. But a lot of the work was in changing my beliefs and attitudes. Once I identified depression, I started to look for patterns in my thinking. I would criticize myself intensely. I wouldn't congratulate myself for doing things right. Only seeing the negative. There were periods where I would get fixated on something that went wrong, unable to get past it. I would tell myself it was me being a critical thinker trying to figure out the problem. But in reality, I was just ruminating. Rumination happens automatically when you're depressed, and once you become aware of it, and see the downside of it, you can take voluntary precautions, seeing through that enticing desire to delve into the deep (bottomless?) waters of uncertainty. Additionally, I blamed causes external to myself for my state of depression (“It's my dad's fault”). This was hard to overcome, because in a system of cause and effect, my dad wasn't responsible either. No one was. But we were stuck. This is when I began to believe in free will again. The conscious voluntary part of ourselves that fights against chaos. Overall, depression wasn't my fault. It was inherited. I inherited genetics and thought/feeling/behaviour patterns that led to depression. But it is my fault that I stayed depressed. It took me a long time to figure that out on my own. I got stuck in the “poor me” mentality, instead of the “I love me” belief system. Treat yourself like someone else worth helping.
I discovered metal-core music in middle school. Music has been a huge part of my journey. The belting, screaming, thrashing, metal that strummed on my heartstrings, has been heart wrenching and healing. It plays into my passion for running. An aggressive endeavor. The lyrics give form to the formless. To what experienced but is difficult to express. “Gasp for the truth you once lived. Beyond this world is what is always breathing. Beyond this world is worth dying for” - The Devil Wears Prada. “I am the painter making this mess a masterpiece. I will rebuild you up again.” - August Burns Red.
To me, running is a way of making depression tangible. Depression is an abstract enemy that often evades clear expression through words. You can't snap your fingers and stop being depressed either. But there are things you can do. For me, what I do, is run (I bike, swim, and weight lift too). I prayed for months to have the strength to get up early in the morning and run. All through high school I had this powerful routine of getting up, running, and doing a devotional before school. When I am running, I find I am already eating healthy, eating less, sleeping deeper, and I go to bed early dreaming of my next run. “A smoker doesn't quite smoking and start running. He starts running and finds that he has quite smoking” - George Sheehan, in Running and Being. Running is a place where it doesn't matter how “good” I am at it. It is pure heart. I sometimes feel like crying out of anguish and joy when I run. It's such a beautiful expression of what's in your heart. Running showed me you can voluntarily take on suffering for a period of time, knowing that you can transform it into something beautiful. Physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. Running made the enemy concrete. Doing an Ironman was easier than getting out of bed when you're hopelessly lost in depression. Running gives me hope. And I'd die to keep going. I already died when I was depressed. Running is just the icing on the cake. Suffering that isn't stupid and out of control. It's suffering on my terms and that can be beaten. “My bones grind to bread before I break. ...now I know how much more I can take.” - For the Fallen Dreams.
Socializing has also been invaluable in dealing with depression. It's all to easy to sink into yourself and avoid people when you're depressed. Making the effort to get outside yourself and get some positive feedback from people is a good idea. People allow you to do reality testing to see if what you think is true. They also respond to what you say and help you stay on the straight and narrow road that culture has carved out for us. Where two or more are gathered, there's a spirit of growth and becoming that animates the conversation. Carl Rogers outlined the rules of therapeutic relationships, which include non-judgmental listening, speaking the truth, seeing the other person in a positive light, etc..
What to do if you're depressed:
See your doctor of psychiatrist to have proper diagnostic tests done. Try antidepressants. They take two weeks to start working, and up to three months to feel their full effect. Establish a routine. Go to bed and wake up at the same time every day. Eat healthy. Exercise regularly. Talk to someone about it. Consider a therapist who is trained in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Socialize with friends and family. Find a significant other. Take fish oils for brain growth. Get outside in the sunlight.
Summary:
Overall, depression is a serious mental illness that effects how you function at home and at work. It can seriously impact your quality of life. However, it is treatable, and most people respond to treatment. Many people suffer from depression, and we are slowly changing the stigma associated with the illness. Various causes lead to depression, like genetics, environment, and personal choice. If you suffer with depression, there are options for treatment. If you are suicidal (with a plan), call a help line, tell a family member or friend, or go to the hospital. Treatment for depression includes medication, talk therapy, and sometimes electro-convulsive shock therapy. But there are lots of things you can do, like exercising, sleeping right, eating right, socializing, etc.. In my experience depression takes a lot of patience and has deepened my understanding of human psychology. I'm thankful for my trials, but I would never wish them upon anyone. If you're depressed, I'd love to talk about it. God bless.